a life lived...intentionally

Not to long ago I received a message from my dearest friend. Amongst all the beautifully written  words she wrote was a statement that for me stood out amongst the rest. She wrote of her desire to live her life more intentionally. As it often happens with the nearest and dearest of friends the incredible honesty in what she shared with me spoke a truth that I desperately needed to hear...at the moment I needed to hear it the most. I know that the letter was not intended for a call out of change for myself but it did indeed cause me to take another look into my own life and to see the ways that I could drastically alter my day...my "everyday".  I too had gotten used to mindlessly going about my day not thinking of the worth or value to the task at hand.
It is perhaps something...no matter the season of life you find yourself in...whether your day is spent inside the home or out...that remains a struggle. To do all things with intention, with a purpose, with a goal in mind. No matter the task God calls us to do it for his glory...in his name. As I began praying about the ways in which to um...well...change my ways my thoughts turned to a post I had read several weeks prior. The post was from one of my favorite blogs that I follow Passionate Homemaking.  Here is some of those words that spoke so loudly to me...again.
  
"...Then the Lord gently reminded me that maintaining joy in my tasks is my opportunity to worship my Creator. He has designed us, as women, to establish a peaceful home for God’s glory.
As Ginger Plowman puts it so well in her book, Heaven at Home, “God created you, the woman, with a wonderful uniqueness that enables you to build your home and family in accordance with his perfect plan. To follow his calling and accept your uniqueness is to fulfill your purpose….The Proverbs 31 woman…as productive and respected as she was, was nothing without the atoning grace of God. She delighted in serving and worshiping her Creator in all the mundane duties of life. She knew that God created her as a woman, to be a wife of noble character, a nurturing mom, and a homemaker. She glorified God in her femininity.”
Did you hear that? To be a godly woman means we worship the Creator in all the duties of life – everything from diapers, to dishes, to scrubbing toilets, to preparing meals, to decorating our homes. Each task is an act of worship to our Creator, because we are faithfully walking in His beautiful design. Worship is not limited to Sundays, or to actual singing, but it is doing all that we do for the glory of God, with a heart that desires to please Him. These are acts of worship when completed with a joyful heart. “Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Cor. 10:31).
Don’t fall under the lie that your assignment in the home is worthless, or less important. You have the opportunity to bring God glory through every mundane task. Washing the dishes is an opportunity to worship my Savior! Training my children is an opportunity to radiate God’s beauty. Sing while you work, inwardly and externally, and God will be greatly glorified. The important thing is to keep your eyes on Jesus and do the next thing...."

I know that to some this would seem like an extreme way of looking at homemaking. Worshiping...while scrubbing the toilet...really? But I guess really it all depends on the attitude we have while going into it. To keep our minds focused and our thoughts positive. To not let ourselves become numb to the things we find ourselves doing day after day. To realize how much a task so small can impact those around us in a big and powerful way. To also realize that when what we do is done with the greatest intention it then serves a greater purpose...and at times...the greatest purpose of all...to worship and to glorify our Lord...and so I pray...

Lord I pray that you would remind me to be present in my own life. To realize just how much my absent mind impacts the lives of my family. Lord I pray for your guidance as this is a road I have not walked down in several years. Lord I pray that I will not let a day go by without my thoughts being turned towards you...as I work Lord and as I rest. Lord I pray that you will teach me how to greet the day with a servants heart. To remember that this is the day that you Lord have made...let me rejoice Lord and be glad in it. Let me do all this Lord..."intentionally"...Amen

we meaning me

"We meaning me? " I have found myself on occasion asking this in response to someones suggestion on what "we" should be doing. In honesty that "someone" is often my husband. Unfortunately a lot of my daily frustrations in what needs to be done are aimed in his direction. Me being a little defensive at times in response to his helpful hints is I'm sure an understatement. Although always well intentioned in his suggestions my husband is incredibly busy with life outside of the home and is often unavailable to participate in making some of those changes that would in fact make our home run that much more efficiently. I know that this fact is hard on both of us. Our family together made the decision to have my husbands role be that of a provider and mine as a home maker. I have felt incredibly blessed that we have been able to continue to live our lives this way due to the hard work and dedication my husband has for his ministry. Although I understand the incredible blessing it is it often creates a divide between my world at home and in his outside of it. With the divide of our worlds comes a certain lack of understanding for what the other may be experiencing during their day...the duties, the responsibilities, and yes even the stresses. I often find myself getting so caught up in these things that I actually forget to communicate my needs and my wants. But what do you do when you don't even truly know what those wants and needs are? How do I communicate what I don't yet realize?
For women I believe there is a tendency to hold on to all the stress and responsibility as way to feel needed...even valued. Lately I have had an increasing need to hear my husband say just how difficult my day must be. I found myself relying on him to measure my worth and to also measure the value of my day. Asking him to measure my worth but becoming angry if I don't think the value is high enough. I ask him to do this of course without actually using words. I do it in secret. Hoping that he will figure it out. I watch to see if he notices the things I have been able to do throughout the day but hope that he does not see what I have not. I want him to see that my day is overwhelming but do not want him to think that I can't handle it. I want him to see the areas that I need help in but am hurt when those weaknesses are pointed out. As I started to realize my increasing need for acclamation I knew something needed to change within myself. I mean what am I doing to myself...and for that matter what am I doing to my family? Why have I started to find comfort in being the victim?
My Grandmother was the quintessential self-sacrificial wife mother grandmother, and whatever else she needed to be at the time. She gave and gave until you would think she would have nothing left and then would give some more. On occasion I would hear her comment about the business of her day and how exhausting it was. As a child I wondered why she continued to do it all if it was too much. As an adult I now have a greater understanding of why. As time went on her daily responsibilities dwindled. Some of which was the "retirement" from the ministry, and then...her husbands passing. It was in the death of my Grandfather that I began to see how truly lost my Grandmother was. As we would later discover this was in part due to her disease but the other factor that seemed to be contributing was her sudden loss of identity. She like myself had placed her self worth in the acclamation she received. I see so much of myself reflected in the life that she lived. Perhaps the example set by my Grandmother and even at times my own Mother lead me to believe that in order to be a good wife and mother I must put my self after all others. The problem with self sacrifice is just that...the sacrifice of self. Although I believe my Mother was able to maintain much of who she was aside from her role as wife and mother my Grandmothers identity seemed to have been lost along the way. I do not in any way want to make it seem that my Grandmother did not have a beautiful life...one of great value...but it was in fact one full of sacrifice...sacrifices I wish she did not feel that she needed to make.
It is my hope that I will be able to find the strength I need to break the cycle. To show my daughter that although it is important to take care of others we must always first take care of ourselves. It's funny that even now in writing this I find that hard to say. To not live a life that is completely selfless is to live a life that is...well..selfish...right? I know, I know I'm working on it....and so begins my journey towards finding value and worth within myself...for myself...and for my family. It is a sacrifice I'm now willing to make:)
And so I pray
Lord I first want to thank you for the incredible patience of my husband. Lord I know that the emotional roller coaster that I have been on has not been easy for him and I am so grateful that he has remained by my side.  I pray Lord by making these changes in my life that it will effect the lives of my family in such a positive way.
Lord I also want to pray for any women that may be experiencing what I am today. I pray that we will be okay with not being able to do it all. To no longer have to be everything to everyone. Let us not find the need to compare our war wounds as a right of passage. Let us no longer value the sacrifices made on the battle field more then the worth of what we do to save ourselves. Let us no longer find comfort in being a "victim" of circumstance. Lord let us look to you for our comfort our strength and our value. We need to make a change Lord...to make a difference in the way we allow those around us to view our lives...and by we Lord...I mean...me. Amen

because I love you

This morning I overheard my children arguing in the other room. By the time I reached them Annah was on the floor crying and Jonah was bent over her trying to give her what looked like...some much needed comfort. I then hear him say "I'm sorry Annah but I push you because I love you." I knew at that moment that one of the many lessons we have tried to teach our children had some how gotten lost in translation. We have tried to explain to Jonah that the discipline that he receives is done out of love. Consequences are given in order for us to teach the difference between right and wrong. It serves as a reminder...and what would seem at times...a somewhat painful reminder. What seemed to be missing for my son was the constant need for explanation. Some times I busy myself so much that discipline just becomes another chore...another thing I have to do to get through the day. Instead I should be viewing these times as an opportunity to help my children grow in love and to truly understand life's daily lessons and yes even it's consequences. It is easy at times to forget that although I have already learned many of those lessons myself that my children have not yet done so and it is my responsibility to teach them. To teach them by giving my time, my unconditional love, my understanding, my forgiveness and my grace. To remember that many of those life lessons are taught by my example and to also remember that I too have many left to learn myself...and so I pray...
 Lord, I thank you for your love, your forgiveness and your grace. I thank you for continuing to teach me through the lives and the words of my children. Lord, I thank you for the time that you give me with my children and I pray that you would help me to spend that time with them more wisely. Lord I thank you for blessing me with the daily opportunities to grow as a Mother. Lord I pray that you would remind me in those weak moments that you will give me the strength and the wisdom I need to teach them what it is they need to learn...and what it is I need to say. Lord, I love you. I thank you for loving me perfectly and for loving my children so perfectly. Lord I pray that I can show them your unfailing love through this broken...and imperfect vessel. Amen

christmas traditions

I have always loved Christmas time. My family always had so many incredible traditions every year. Brown paper bags full of goodies, Christmas Eve at Grandpa Delbert's and Grandma Ruby's, Reading the Christmas Story, An early morning walk up call Christmas morning by Grandpa Frank...Ho Ho Ho, Christmas Stalkings filled to the brim, Making Monster Cookies at Uncle Kim and Aunt Glenda's, and the list goes on and on. This year I began to think of how important those traditions seemed to me as a child. Slowly as time went on we lost so many of them. It was hard for me to watch as this happened but now as my children grow I am starting to realize that it has left room for our own traditions to also grow.
Now this is where I would love to hear from any of you that are willing to share some of your own traditions. It just might end up being one that my own family will cherish for years to come.

sick and tired

My body has been hit this last month with one thing or another. Nothing of course to serious but the constant hits of this and that have caused my body and my mind to grow weary. Often when this happens I find myself singing lines from all those great power hymns...you know like"I am weak but thou art strong..."and"Precious Lord, take my hand Lead me on, let me stand.I'm tired, I’m weak, I’m lone...". Tonight another one of those great hymns came to mind"."O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer." To often I allow myself to feel that all my sniffles, sneezes and aches and pains aren't worth praying for. I tend to always want to concentrate on the "big ones"...my spiritual walk, safety, finances, my family...and that's where it hits me. My health and the way I am feeling has such an impact on those who are closest to me...my family. Fortunately for him, my husband often gets to escape my...um...mood but my children do not yet have the means in which to do so. They are stuck with grumpy old Mom all day. It is almost comical to see the looks of relief on their faces when Daddy walks through the door...comical now...not so much then. Although not always grateful at the time I am fortunate to have a husband who will often point out when my "mood" has gone sour...in the most loving way possible of course;) He loves me enough to not let me sit in my own self pity and often pulls me out of it with his incredible strength and encouraging words. But lately even with knowing this I have not been able to gather the strength I need to pull myself out of this dark place. My energy has been drained and my patience has run out...and so I pray
Lord, I am tired, I am weak, I am worn. Lord I pray for the strength only you can provide. Lord please mend what is broken and heal what is sick. I pray that my spirits be lifted. Lord I am grateful for the patience and understanding of my family. I pray that you would also heal their wounds as I have not shown them the love that they have deserved and I am fearful that I have hurt them much deeper then I can repair on my own. Lord I thank you for your forgiveness and your unconditional love. I thank you for caring about all that I am and for helping me to become all that you want me to be. I love you Lord. Amen

one day Jesus will call my name

This song was first brought into my life by my wonderful husband. He played it for me during a very dark period in my life and it has been a song I have carried close to my heart ever since. It brings me comfort and gives me strength every time I hear it. Here is just a piece of this very special song...

...Some days drag and some days fly. And some days I think of the day I'll die. Some days fill me and some days drain.
And one day Jesus will call my name.

Chorus
One day Jesus will call my name As days go by, 'hope I don't stay the same. I wanna get so close to Him that it's no big change, On that day that Jesus calls my name!

Most days I pray but some days I curse. A number of days I put myself first. But it's not what I do, the cross made that plain. And one day Jesus will call my name!

A Lasting Friendship

Tonight as I was listening to the sound of my children playing and laughing in the other room I started to think about the growing friendship that has been developing between them since the moment we brought Annah home. Like any brother and sister relationship it is not without a few arguments and minor meltdowns but at the end of the day they still look to each other when they are in need of a friend. I started to think about all the adventures and misadventures they will go on together. All the secrets they will keep from me to save the other. I guess really, I just started to think about my own friendships that I have developed with all of my sisters over the years. In knowing how much of a blessing they have been in my life it makes me all the happier to see my children together. For better or for worse they will always carry a special bond. I'm sure in a few years I will wonder where that bond has gone but I guess I will have to remind myself of a time where the beautiful bond that I now have with my wonderful sisters once looked well...a little ugly. For right now though, I am just enjoying every little giggle that is shared between two very special little friends...Jonah and Annah

to my two followers

I just would like to take a moment and thank my two amazing followers. I cannot tell you how much of an inspiration the two of you have been to me in your openness and honesty about all things parenting. I really do appreciate you taking the time to hear the little things I have to say. I know that I still have so much to learn and I would always love to learn a little more from the pair of you. Thanks again you two...and of course thanks to all the rest of ya;)

quite and still

"We need to practice being quite and being still. We practice so when it is time to listen we will be ready to do just that...listen...listen and truly hear what is being said. Sometimes God asks us to be still and quite too so we can hear him speak to our hearts. If we aren't ready to listen we might miss something he is trying to tell us." "Mama, God must have a pretty quite voice. When I can't hear him I say...WHAT GOD!!!? Yep that's what I do."
My son...as I'm sure most of you know is not a naturally quite and still child...as I'm sure most are not. I decided though through my own difficulties in doing so that a lesson in the importance of stillness was needed...for all of us. So often the noise of the day to day can deafen our ears to the one voice we need to hear above all the rest. To often I let the voices of the "well intentioned" crowd my mind with all their unnecessary static. I forget sometimes that I am loved by someone so perfectly and without condition. I am loved by someone who knows my faults and weaknesses better then anyone else and loves me still. It is his voice that speaks the one and only truth and it is his truth that I need to hear.
As a mother I have found myself trying to yell over all the noise. It is hard at times to quite my daily anger and frustration. I also began to not allow the necessary moments of stillness to enter my day. As I started to see how this was effecting my children I knew it was time to make a change and so I prayed...
Lord, Speak to me through all the noise, through all the criticism, through all the opinions. Lord let your voice speak louder then all the rest. Lord let my example be that of what you desire it to be. Lord quite this anger inside of me. Lord it is my prayer that I would find a quite time for you each day. A time when I can be quite and can be still. Lord let my ears and heart be open to what it is you have to say. Lord help me to speak softly to my children and to listen to their small voices as they are telling me what they want me to hear. Lord I pray that you may also quite the anger and frustration of my children. Help them to grow as I do. Lord help our daily practice of quieting our minds become something we do without thinking. Lord help us to find the peace that can only truly be found while being still and resting in your gentle and loving spirit. I thank you Lord for listening to what it is that I need to say. I love you Lord. Amen

thankful

"I am thankful that I love my Mama and I am thankful when my Mama plays with me"-Jonah Julius

man to man

While passing by the kitchen last night I spotted my husband and my son having what looked to be a very serious conversation. I decided to stay back and listen in. As I listened I heard Joel ask "Jonah...What do men do when the are being spoken to". Jonah lifted his head and replied "They look each other in the eye". In that moment I realized that while there are many lessons I could teach my son as his Mother some lessons can only truly be taught by his Father...man to man. I began to wonder what other lessons were being taught while "no one" else was around to hear. I wondered but decided not to ask. After all the lesson was never truly intended for my ears to hear...of course that doesn't mean I wont on occasion try and listen in and to watch carefully as my little boy changes into the man his Father taught him to be.

just a simple day

Today...although not perfect...was a day of simple pleasures...dress up, craft time, baking, and lots of dancing. I feel so blessed to have two children I love filling my day up with and am trying to remember how much of a blessing it is that in this phase of their lives they still enjoy filling up their day with me. It was just another simple day enjoyed by all...just the way I like it. I hope you all enjoy what is left of your weekend.

Tomorrow

Today I have been thinking about the popular phrase "live your life as though it were your last". Doing the things that you have always wanted to do, saying things that you have always wanted to say...living your life as one big adventure. I know the concept of this phrase is great. I mean how wonderful to be able to live so spontaneously but the reality is no one can really live there life spending time only doing the things that they want to do. Our days are all filled with things that we just have to do...as a matter of survival. So I began thinking, if this was truly my last ordinary no thrills kind of day would I be satisfied with how I choose to live it. So often I find myself putting off simple things. Tomorrow I will take the kids for a walk, or take them to the zoo. Tomorrow I will spend more time playing with them, teaching them...tomorrow...I can do it all tomorrow. I do realize that one can only fit so much in a day but it really got me thinking of what I was starting to fill that day up with. Again back to the wasted time. Am I so certain of what tomorrow will bring that I have become careless with the time that has been brought to me today. God has promised me no set time on earth and no set time in which I will have with my children. I know it is not often the happiest thing to think about but the reality that tomorrow may not come sometimes is only truly realized from someone that has experienced such a tragedy first hand. I thank God that such a tragedy has not occurred in my life but it is something that is ever present in my mind as I watch over my children. My husband often tells me that I think of these things to often and perhaps I do. My goal is not to live my life in fear of what tomorrow brings but to learn to fill my day with all the ordinary simple pleasures I can. To spend each spare moment that I can with my family. To embrace the life I have been given and remember what a blessing it truly is. To live my life in a way that is pleasing to God so when that day does come and I have lived my last today I can hear...well done...and know that I did all that I could do...today.

time wasted

Today has been a day of many battles. A battle to listen, to obey and for me a battle of patience. As I embraced my son after scolding him for what at this moment I couldn't even tell you I found myself not wanting to let go. All in one moment the anxiety of how quickly life was passing by hit me right in the pit of my stomach. These moments for me seem to come most often when I feel that I have had a selfish and self serving day. Oh how I had wished that I spent more time today meeting his needs. His need for guidance, his need for affection, his need for reassurance...needs that I know I felt short of today. Because of the daily needs that life also brings...clean home, clothes mended, bills paid...the needs of my children often get put on the bottom of my list. The realization of the time I had wasted caused me to tear up. As I tried to hold back those tears my sensitive little boy noticed that I was upset. I told him that I was feeling bad about the time that I had spent with him today (or lack there of) and that I was also sad about how quickly that time can be lost. He let me know that he could not stop growing because that, he said, was how God made him. He made him to grow and grow. I wish that a daily reminder for me to slow down and enjoy life moments wasn't needed but such is my life at this point in time.
Lord help me to be daily present in my children's lives...both in body and in mind. Lord as my children grow and grow I pray that I too will continue to grow and grow along beside them. Thank you Lord for you patience, your guidance your reassurance and your daily presence in my life. Amen

Annah Jewel

I remember soon after Annah was born my Dad referring to her as the calm before the storm. He said this because of the storm that happened the evening Annah was born but it soon took on another meaning for me during the next few months. Annah was such a wonderful blessing to our family. She was just what we needed...as easy as they come which was great because everything else for me seemed to get so much harder. Jonah loved his sister from the very beginning. He spent a lot of time just being near her. Although his love for her was great he struggled to find his new place in the family...his new place as the big brother. As time went on adjustments were made and Jonah once again became that happy little boy I knew. Annah unlike her older brother took her time entering into each new phase of her little life. She always seemed to be content in being wherever it was we wanted her to be. She was such a sweet little baby. But as she grew and developed her own voice it became clear that she like the rest of us has her limits. You know the saying that girls are made with sugar and spice...yes sweet and sassy...that pretty much sums up my precious little girl. I guess out of survival she had to developed some sort of defense against her big brother who sometimes forgot just how much smaller she really was. I would say now I fear more for Jonah then I do for Annah. Perhaps her personality will be much like the way she entered the world...first there is the calm and then...if pushed to far...the storm. I cannot wait to hear more of what Annah has to say and to watch her grow into the young lady that God has created her to be. My beautiful Annah Jewel...

Jonah Julius

From the first moment I felt my son moving around inside me I knew what kind of child he was going to be. I knew this because once he began moving around he never stopped. I began to think that he never slept. He was always pushing and kicking as though he was trying to find a way out and eventually he did. The first moment I saw my sweet baby boy it was one of the most surreal experiences of my life. My doctor had warned me that he may be small due to my small size during the pregnancy so when she held up my 8 pound 3 ounce 21 and half inch long baby I was somewhat taken back. This also may have been because of the head full of blond hair again a surprise due to the fact that both Joel and I have dark hair. Yes Jonah did not look at all what I had expected but he was so beautiful. From the second she laid him in my arms I had an immediate desire to nurture and protect. A desire I thanked God for since the reality is that this feeling is not as immediate to every women. Of course there were plenty of new Mom moments full of anxiety and fear but through them all God gave me the strength and wisdom I needed. I am so grateful that God hears the desperate cries for help in the middle of the night...both from me and I'm sure from my new little baby. As Jonah grew it seemed like he was doing it all at an incredible speed. I guess staying true to what I had already come to believe about him. He began speaking at 5 months, started taking steps at 6 months and by month 7 he was off and running. Jonah's first sentence at 10 months was "Open the door." Already he was ready to find what was waiting for him behind the next door. Jonahs enthusiasm for living life and determination to find out what all it has to offer has not slowed down. It is hard for me at times to keep up. I know that God has an amazing adventure planned for my son and I feel so blessed to be able to be a part of it.