we meaning me

"We meaning me? " I have found myself on occasion asking this in response to someones suggestion on what "we" should be doing. In honesty that "someone" is often my husband. Unfortunately a lot of my daily frustrations in what needs to be done are aimed in his direction. Me being a little defensive at times in response to his helpful hints is I'm sure an understatement. Although always well intentioned in his suggestions my husband is incredibly busy with life outside of the home and is often unavailable to participate in making some of those changes that would in fact make our home run that much more efficiently. I know that this fact is hard on both of us. Our family together made the decision to have my husbands role be that of a provider and mine as a home maker. I have felt incredibly blessed that we have been able to continue to live our lives this way due to the hard work and dedication my husband has for his ministry. Although I understand the incredible blessing it is it often creates a divide between my world at home and in his outside of it. With the divide of our worlds comes a certain lack of understanding for what the other may be experiencing during their day...the duties, the responsibilities, and yes even the stresses. I often find myself getting so caught up in these things that I actually forget to communicate my needs and my wants. But what do you do when you don't even truly know what those wants and needs are? How do I communicate what I don't yet realize?
For women I believe there is a tendency to hold on to all the stress and responsibility as way to feel needed...even valued. Lately I have had an increasing need to hear my husband say just how difficult my day must be. I found myself relying on him to measure my worth and to also measure the value of my day. Asking him to measure my worth but becoming angry if I don't think the value is high enough. I ask him to do this of course without actually using words. I do it in secret. Hoping that he will figure it out. I watch to see if he notices the things I have been able to do throughout the day but hope that he does not see what I have not. I want him to see that my day is overwhelming but do not want him to think that I can't handle it. I want him to see the areas that I need help in but am hurt when those weaknesses are pointed out. As I started to realize my increasing need for acclamation I knew something needed to change within myself. I mean what am I doing to myself...and for that matter what am I doing to my family? Why have I started to find comfort in being the victim?
My Grandmother was the quintessential self-sacrificial wife mother grandmother, and whatever else she needed to be at the time. She gave and gave until you would think she would have nothing left and then would give some more. On occasion I would hear her comment about the business of her day and how exhausting it was. As a child I wondered why she continued to do it all if it was too much. As an adult I now have a greater understanding of why. As time went on her daily responsibilities dwindled. Some of which was the "retirement" from the ministry, and then...her husbands passing. It was in the death of my Grandfather that I began to see how truly lost my Grandmother was. As we would later discover this was in part due to her disease but the other factor that seemed to be contributing was her sudden loss of identity. She like myself had placed her self worth in the acclamation she received. I see so much of myself reflected in the life that she lived. Perhaps the example set by my Grandmother and even at times my own Mother lead me to believe that in order to be a good wife and mother I must put my self after all others. The problem with self sacrifice is just that...the sacrifice of self. Although I believe my Mother was able to maintain much of who she was aside from her role as wife and mother my Grandmothers identity seemed to have been lost along the way. I do not in any way want to make it seem that my Grandmother did not have a beautiful life...one of great value...but it was in fact one full of sacrifice...sacrifices I wish she did not feel that she needed to make.
It is my hope that I will be able to find the strength I need to break the cycle. To show my daughter that although it is important to take care of others we must always first take care of ourselves. It's funny that even now in writing this I find that hard to say. To not live a life that is completely selfless is to live a life that is...well..selfish...right? I know, I know I'm working on it....and so begins my journey towards finding value and worth within myself...for myself...and for my family. It is a sacrifice I'm now willing to make:)
And so I pray
Lord I first want to thank you for the incredible patience of my husband. Lord I know that the emotional roller coaster that I have been on has not been easy for him and I am so grateful that he has remained by my side.  I pray Lord by making these changes in my life that it will effect the lives of my family in such a positive way.
Lord I also want to pray for any women that may be experiencing what I am today. I pray that we will be okay with not being able to do it all. To no longer have to be everything to everyone. Let us not find the need to compare our war wounds as a right of passage. Let us no longer value the sacrifices made on the battle field more then the worth of what we do to save ourselves. Let us no longer find comfort in being a "victim" of circumstance. Lord let us look to you for our comfort our strength and our value. We need to make a change Lord...to make a difference in the way we allow those around us to view our lives...and by we Lord...I mean...me. Amen