people pleasing parenting

 Looking back it would seem that I hail from a long line of what you could call "people pleasers". As a young child my Grandfather was a minister and as we all know whether we should or not, heavier judgment and higher expectations seem to be given to the "preaches kids"...and eventually their own families. This fact, I was painfully made aware of every time I may have wandered off the straight and narrow...something I am afraid happened more then it should have. This rebellion however only proved my desire to please...but in this case...to please a different kind of crowd...on a much "wider" journey. I cannot of course blame all my "people pleasing" tendencies on my childhood. I realize I have long since reached the age of accountability. It has been something that I have fought against within myself for as long as I can remember. I do not enjoy being a "yes" person for the fear of saying no. I seem to lack, at times, the capability to set my own personal boundaries. I constantly find myself asking the age old question "What will they think if I do this or say that?" Yes, in writing this down I can see how ridicules this thought pattern truly is but it has also made me realize something else...Really...at times...people pleasing isn't about being selfless but really about serving myself through seeking others constant approval and in honesty even the recognition of the sacrifices that I have made for them. Again going back to finding comfort in being the "victim".  In an effort to not be too hard on myself I will say that when not taken too far my love for people and being sensitive to their needs is not always a bad thing. In fact, helping others has brought me at times a tremendous amount of joy...as it should. God made me this way for a reason and I have to remind myself that God has an amazing way of taking our weaknesses and using them to strengthen our lives and the lives of the people around us. For me it is about getting to a place where my desire to please is done out of a selfless love and not out of a selfish fear.
 As a Mother I have started to see how these tendencies have caused more unwanted and unneeded stress than I could have imagined. Not only do I now find myself worrying about how people are viewing me directly but also have found myself worrying about the way people are viewing my children...and in turn how the are viewing my parenting. This has caused me to have a tremendous loss of confidence and has I'm sure caused some major confusion for my children. Watching myself put those unrealistic expectations on my children as where once put on me has pushed me to want to make a change in my life. This has proven like most life changes to be easier said then done...however I do not want my children to think that my love is based on the condition of their behavior and of their lives...Instead I want them to see that my love is indeed unconditional and that the pride I feel is because of who they are and have become on their own.
 In watching and observing other mothers I have found a tremendous admiration for those who do not make excuses for the behavior of their children. You will not find a look of mortification when their child has thrown themselves into a toddler sized tantrum in the middle of the store...No...What you will find instead is a parent simply dealing with the behavior...and not showing any concern for the many faces that seem to be watching them. Their seemingly unshaken confidence captures me and inspires me to do the same. I do know that every parent... no matter how confident they may seem...still finds themselves in moments of self doubt. I guess it goes back again to one of those good old sayings "Nobody is perfect"...not even the parents that seem to have it all together;) I do however want to continue to strive towards being less concerned on how the behavior of my children is directly reflected on me and more concerned about my children learning the lessons at hand...and of course learning to take my pride out of my parenting. To also remind myself that it's not about seeing my own reflection in the lives of my children but showing them how to reflect upon their own lives. To raise them with the understanding that although there is tremendous value in being sensitive to others opinions it is first important to hold a tremendous amount of value in yourself and in your own ideas and capabilities.
There is no such thing as one sized fits all parenting....To each there is truly their own. I cannot pretend to parent as someone else but have to instead find my own authentic way...a way that will stay true to who I am...just the kind of mother God intended for my children to have. I pray that with the help of my amazingly confident and loving husband I will be able to find what it is that works for me...and of course for my family....and so I pray...
 Lord...I thank you for creating me just the way I am. Lord I know that you have a plan for my life and a path for me to follow. I pray that you will open my eyes to what it is that I need to see and the steps I need to take to get there. I pray Lord for my children. I pray that they will come to realize how special and valuable their lives truly are. Lord I thank you for having the confidence in me to parent these beautiful children. Lord, when the time comes, I pray that you will give me the strength I will need to step back and let you continue to work in them...and through them. I cannot wait to see how they will grow Lord and I pray that I can provide them with a solid ground in which to do so....amen