"Airing your dirty laundry" As I pondered the true meaning of this I began to get a visual of what exactly it would look like to have all your stained and soiled clothes hanging up on a line for all to see. It would be shameful for any "dignified" housewife to do such a thing. When company comes we hide away the mess that life brings, making sure that all who enter know that our "mess" has been cleaned and washed away. We pray that they will not wonder in the back room or open any hall closets...because we know what may be hiding behind those tightly closed doors.
There is a certain similarity in the shame we feel over our literal "dirty laundry" and the"dirty laundry" that was actually being referenced. Somewhere along the line...so to speak...we find ourselves just as desperate to hide all our dirty little secrets as we do all the other "unappealing" and "unacceptable" things in our life. The problem with secrets for me is the lack of accountability that they bring. Secrets often give us the excuse we need to continue to pile it all away...hidden amongst years of guilt and unresolved emotions. I guess we assume that out of sight is out of mind....but really...the mess we've made never truly does leave our mind. The ever expanding mess eventually bursts out of it's secret hiding place...often at unexpected and inconvenient moments. Surrounded by it all at once makes it just that much harder to pick it all up and yes if discovered by others even harder to hide it all away again. We are forced then to deal with all the garbage that has dropped in our laps whether we are ready to or not.
Hoarding has been defined as the excessive collection of items, along with the inability to discard them. What they acquire would appear to the outside world as unneeded or seemingly useless. Their disease often isolates them from outsiders who do not understand their compulsive need to be surrounded by items that bring them a strange since of comfort but ultimately in the end bring them shame. In comparing again the commonality between the physical and physiological we again can see a disturbing likeness in the two. We can start to see how we also can become hoarders of our secrets...hanging onto each one with an apparent inability to discard them. We are filled with shame but are to proud to ask for help...to let it all go. Our secrets often make us feel isolated, feeling that no one else could be experiencing what we are. It is the walls we put up to protect ourselves that has caused this "house of lies" to be built.We have created the appearance of an ideal life that has never been lived. By sugar coating and understating what trial and tribulations we have is doing such great injustice to those who follow down a similar path. We give them a false hope and unrealistic expectation of what is to come.
In my life I have appreciated the true and brutal honesty that I have received especially when it comes to parenting. Hearing what others had experienced gave me the opportunity to equip myself with some of the tools I would need to deal with those every day messes. Knowing that it wasn't going to come easy and also knowing that all the great and wonderful moments that happen in between would give me the strength to get through all the rest. I guess knowledge truly is power. Knowledge alone however does not supply me with all that I need to survive...it's not enough. The power of prayer has drug me out of some pretty dark and dingy moments in my life. God has blessed me by surrounding me with open and honest individuals. It was them that kept me from feeling isolated from all those "I got it all together" Moms. Out of my appreciation of all that they had shared I decided that I too would not be afraid to tell the truth. To let others know that I have failed and will continue to fail just as they will. To continue to "air my dirty laundry" if it means someone else will be helped in the process. After all..to "air" is only human...or maybe that's "error"...either way...I know I will continue to do it;)
Before "hanging this up to dry"...(yes I know...to much)...I did want to share the amazing healing I have experienced since beginning this blog. I have never felt lighter. God has truly taken what I once saw as an ugly mess and turned it into something beautiful. He has used my "secrets" in such a way that I never thought possible. Every week I am held accountable to the testimony and commitments I have made. It has caused me to really look at myself...to look at and see what I had been trying to hide from. There it is...in black and white...I am now an open book...well with a few important closed chapters;) I also want to share that I do not write to claim to have all the answers or in hopes that my self-proclaimed faults would be contradicted. I do not write for approval but write to gain understanding for myself and for others. Truth...and all that it holds...has begun to set me free...and so I pray
Lord I thank you for allowing me to come to understand the freedom that can be found in letting go of what I once kept hidden away. One by one Lord I am starting to bring my secrets out of the dark and dealing with each and everyone. Lord I pray for your continued strength as it is not easy to look at all of it each and every day. I thank you Lord for your forgiveness. What an amazing power to forgive and forget. Lord I know that it will be my memory of my sins and struggles that will cause me to be able to recognize it in those who may struggle with it too. Lord please help me to be a light...to be a witness...to be a friend. Lord I know that I can only do these things through you...with your guidance. I love you Lord...amen
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