a mother in the ministry

As a young child my life was often bombarded by expectations and surrounded by opinions. I often felt studied by people I would be introduced to. It seemed that because my Grandfather was the Minister at the Church my family attended and had been for many years this was to be...expected. I was well versed in the importance of "unoffensive" conversation. To protect an-others feelings while leaving myself open and vulnerable to their judgment and criticism.There was a point in my life where I became very bitter and resentful of the life that in my mind had been chosen for me.Only now as an adult have I been truly able to appreciate the value in the lessons I learned from my family and from the "standards" I was meant to uphold. I can see now how God was conditioning my heart for what was to come in my life...a continuation of life in the ministry.
From the beginning I knew of my husbands passion for the Camping Ministry. The reality of it in it's entirety was a bit overwhelming to me at first. I guess I saw myself back into the position I was in as a child. I understood what ministry could do to the families that were involved in it. I understood the kinds of sacrifices that we would be expected to make. I understood that the ministry is about so much more then what people see you doing on a daily basis...and now...I would find myself serving beside my husband in a ministry where the daily responsibilities and duties are even less understood.
 Although I love being the "Camp Managers Wife" AKA "Joel's Wife" the title really doesn't come with a clearer job description...however it does seem to come with it's own expectations. These undefined expectations often create a ministry that can be somewhat hard to navigate. I have gotten lost so many times in my life as I tried to find my own way...my own voice...my own role in a ministry I had been brought into. I do want to say that I feel incredibly blessed to be a part of the Camping Ministry and I am so grateful that my husband obediently followed where God wanted to lead him....even with my resistance. I thank God for the peace and contentment that I now feel in my heart knowing that this too is where he wants me to be. I continue to pray for God's guidance as I still am trying to find my way, my limits, and my place in this ministry. 
 Going back to my own childhood in the ministry I can remember the incredible load my Grandmother happily carried as "The Preacher's Wife". She was involved in...well... I think just about everything. Her day was full of volunteering, visiting, providing meals, providing support, and showing Gods love through her beautiful humble spirit. I will have to admit now that the fact that she was so loved and needed by many did not always bring me the amount of happiness perhaps it should have. I would cringe when I would hear another child call her Grandma....She was mine....and I didn't want to share her with...well...everyone. There were very few moments that I felt that I could truly say I had her all to myself. Perhaps it was my attitude that needed adjusted but the past experience has caused me to look at my own identity in the ministry and my identity outside of it. It has caused me to be more conscious and aware of what I allow into my life knowing that I can only hold so much and it has also caused me to always try to remember what I am not willing to let go of.
As a mother to two young children I feel that my most important ministry now is to love and nurture them the way that God has called me to. I have already witnessed in my life how quickly this ministry to my children can be neglected in sacrifice for another. I will confess that I have allowed this to happen more than I ever should have. I have been trying more and more to watch and to see just how my children are affected by their own little lives in the ministry. I am watching to see how they handle being "A Family on Call". How are they dealing with the sacrifices? Of course being their mother I want to protect and shield them from all that I can but how will I protect them from the judgment they may receive. Will I too teach them the art of unoffensive conversation as a means to avoid confrontation? Should I make them painfully aware of the "expectations" that have been set? I have started to realize just how different things look through the eyes of a parent in the ministry then the eyes of a child....and so I pray...
God, I thank you so much for this opportunity to serve. It has filled my life with so much joy. I thank you for your patience and your guidance. I thank you Lord for the strength of my husband and for his example. I pray Lord that you will continue to let me see where it is you want me to go. I pray Lord for my children. I pray for their protection. I thank you Lord for their resilience. I pray that you will continue to give me the wisdom I need to be a mother in the ministry...amen

through their eyes

 "Mom come look." "Yes I see Jonah" "No Mom come look with your eyes" "I am looking with my eyes" "No, Mom, you need to come here and look at it in the same way my eyes are looking at it."
 It is hard to imagine what the world must look like to my children. Thinking back on my own childhood I can remember how even the smallest of things became big and magical with just a bit of imagination. An old abandoned barn became my "Castle" and an apple tree become my "Neverland Hideaway". As an adult I have found myself restricted by the reality of my day. I forget how important it is for me to take time to enter the worlds my children often create for themselves. So often I neglect to find time to just put aside all the other things I need to be in my day and just play the role they choose for me...whether that is a "Cowgirl from Texas"  or the "Queen Mother of a beautiful Princess ". It is amazing to me the "magic" that happens when I just allow them to have all the creative control of whatever game they wish to play.
 I truly want "...to go as far as my child's imagination will take me..."...To just let go and see where I will land. To let go of all the burdens of my day and just let their "dreams" carry me away. To remember the freedom that can be found in letting go of your inhibitions. To see the incredible excitement shared by my children as I join in on their adventures. To see...to really see...for even a moment...what the world looks like...through their eyes....
And so I pray...
 Lord, Thank you for the moments that I get to look at the world through the eyes of my children. Thank you for their beautiful imaginations. I pray that you will continue to remind me how important it is for me to take time out of my reality and enter into a far less stressful place...one that my children have created to share with me. I love you Lord...Amen

ordinary miracle: charlotte's web

It's not that usual when everything is beautiful
It's just another ordinary miracle today

The sky knows when its time to snow
You don't need to teach a seed to grow
It's just another ordinary miracle today

Life is like a gift they say
Wrapped up for you everyday
Open up and find a way
To give some of your own

Isn't it remarkable?
Like every time a raindrop falls
It's just another ordinary miracle today

Birds in winter have their fling
And always make it home by spring
It's just another ordinary miracle today

When you wake up everyday
Please don't throw your dreams away
Hold them close to your heart
Cause we are all a part
Of the ordinary miracle

Ordinary miracle
Do you want to see a miracle?

Its seems so exceptional
Things just work out after all
It's just another ordinary miracle today

The sun comes up and shines so bright
It disappears again at night
It's just another ordinary miracle today

It's just another ordinary miracle today

worshiping in the sunshine

As I was cleaning up the kitchen I heard my son shouting in the living room. "I love it...I love it...Thank you God for giving me this beautiful sunshine!" As I entered the room I saw him dancing in a stream of sunshine from our large window. I asked him what he was doing. "I'm thanking God for the sunshine that I love so very much. That's what you are suppose to do when you love something...and then God makes it even more beautiful. See... He made it so beautiful just for me...Look...Look."I stood there...still...knowing that God once again was teaching me through the faith and innocence of my child's words. I could not remember the last time that I was so truly grateful that I let God's love and light fill me up and rejoiced in it...even danced in it. When was the last time that I stopped and worshiped in all the goodness he has surrounded me with in my life? It was then that I lifted my hands high with tears pouring out and began to pray...Thank you God for giving me this beautiful child...I love him...I love him...Thank you for making him so beautiful...just for me...Amen.

an inheritance

 When we look at our children it is clear to see the physical inheritance that we have passed on to them. Our eyes our nose our smile. What might not be as easy to see at times is the emotional and behavioral inheritance that is given to our children...with or without the intent to have given it in the first place. It would seem that what may be apparent to most is harder for us to see because in truth it might not be something we want to look at. Of course this does not mean that all our "quirks" and "traits" that we may have unintentionally passed on are unappealing but it seems to be the worst of these that we most often stare blindly at. It is without a doubt difficult to view the reflection of our weaknesses in the eyes and lives of our children. Unfortunately for most, not only is the appearance of this inherited behavior displeasing but the amount of guilt that is often felt when realized is overwhelming. It can even leave you feeling helpless knowing that you must now try and correct in them what you have been unable to do in your own life.
  Recently my eyes have been opened to the reflection of one of my own weaknesses in my children's lives.  I have come to realize that my lack of censoring has caused a certain exposure to a specific way of thinking. With every day "adult" conversation I am unintentionally "telling" and "showing" my children how they should respond to offense, to anger, to stress, to frustration. They hear everything...my language, my tone of voice...and so when I hear my son speaking emotionally and even aggressively I think to myself...Shame on me...Shame on me for not paying more attention to the example I was setting...but now...to avoid passing on yet another unsightly trait (self persecution) I need to now shake off the shame and begin teaching my children how to overcome our weaknesses...together.
  As I have mentioned in posts before I also have my fair share of fears. I have also come to realize that fear also seems to be one of those things we find ourselves gifting without the intention to do so. It is something that is hard to hide from them. The intense need to protect our children often leaves our everyday fears about life exposed. I believe we often allow our children to have what may seem like to others as irrational fears because to us...they seem...well...rational. For some...they are okay with their children being afraid of heights because in reality they would prefer them to be on the ground...where in their minds...it is safe...they are safe. There is a certain amount of control that is felt when we know that our children are to afraid to try what we are petrified of seeing them do. We often use it as a means of setting boundaries but what really we have created is an emotional barrier for them to one day try to get through.  

  Becoming more aware of the inheritance that I was leaving my children has caused me to look at my behavior in a whole new way. The impact of my "choices" is to great to ignore. I want them to see what was given to them as a gift not a burden. But even with making certain changes in my life I do know that history shows that every child...no matter how great and wonderful their inheritance may have been...can always find something to blame on their parents...and we all know history always repeats itself;) ....And so I pray
  Lord, I thank you for all the times you have opened my eyes to my weaknesses. I thank you for your forgiveness. I pray Lord that you will continue to keep my eyes open so I can continue to see the impact that they will make on my children. I love you Lord....Amen

a work in progress

 I know we have all either heard it being said or have said it ourselves "At least my child isn't that bad." Although I believe in the importance of gaining perspective on the obvious normality of our own child's less then perfect behavior it is also important for us to gain a little more understanding of one another. We are often blinded by a child's worst attribute and are unable to see what truly makes them who they are. It is as though we have begun to look at each others children as finished products...no room for improvement or room for growth. I overheard a Mother one time being asked for parenting advise. She responded by telling them to ask her again when she was "done". This to me was amongst one of the wisest responses that I had ever heard and was so inspiring to me. Who knows what our "tireless" efforts and "unwavering" persistence will bring us. They have yet to become what it is they were meant to be...who we helped to create them to be...And just like every work of art they will be appreciated by many but unfortunately they will also continue to encounter the "critics". 
Recently I heard a message that was spoken by a man I have an incredible amount of love and respect for. In his message he spoke of the importance of building relationships with one another. He gave an example of how a parent might be resistant to hear "advice" from someone who had not shown any other interest outside of their apparent disapproval of how their child was being raised. He encouraged them to take the time to reach out and truly get to know those families. In reality you might come to realize that they may not be in need of starting over with an entirely different way of doing things but may need love and encouragement as they they finish out what they already started. And with your investment in time you may also gain a sudden realization that the once "disobedient", "rebellious", and seemingly "out of control" child is more than just that. As meaningful moments are shared you can also see how small and insignificant in comparison their worst moments really were.
 As a Mother to a very active strong willed and spirited little boy I indeed get to witness first hand what it feels like to receive those disapproving glances and "helpful" remarks. I can tell you that I am well aware of the trouble my son can find himself in. I live it...everyday. I can also tell you that the last thing an exhausted Mother wants to hear in the midst of trying to correct a behaivor is that there is a "better" way to take care of it. What may be equaling irritating to me is the incredible urge people seem to have to step in and speak over any message that I may have been trying to communicate. It almost feels as though they thought that my parenting needed to be corrected along side of my child's behaivor. I do have to say that their confidence in their own parenting capabilities is somewhat inspirational. I cannot imagine feeling as though I knew enough about the world of parenting that I would be able to diagnose every child's apparent default and feel as though I could fix what their parent was unable to. Reality however would say that in fact the parent....the one that gets to spend each and every moment with their child...the good the bad and ugly...may have a greater understanding of what their child needs...and...what they don't...like a lecture from a stranger;)

  I hope that someday we will realize that although we may feel as though our child isn't as bad as another the fact of the matter is that I am sure someone else doesn't think so. It is a cruel reality. We are all looking for ways to make ourselves feel better about the choices we have made. We all seem to be in competition in a loosing game. We all are works in progress...we all have room to grow...and areas to learn in. None of us...no matter how "confident", knowledgeable or experienced... have the capability to raise perfect human beings. So perhaps the next time you see "someone elses" child running away from their parents in rebellion or are throwing themselves down on the ground out of protest you will choose to look beyond the current behavior and begin to see a possibility...an investment in your time....And so I pray...
Lord, I just love you so much. You always look at me with love and it is so comforting to know that no matter my weakness you will be there to give me the strength I need to get through it. Lord I thank you for my children. They are so beautiful and I feel so blessed to get to see the gifts they truly are. Lord I pray that you will allow me the courage to communicate to others when I feel as though their comments have been cruel and unjust. Help me Lord to say it with love and with patience. I pray Lord that you will continue to keep my eyes wide open to the reality that I too can find myself being judgmental. I pray that you will continue to work in my life and help me to overcome any tendencies to do so. Thank you Lord...for all you do...Amen

melancholy

 I must say I have been truly struggling to write lately. I was able to start many posts but found myself unable to complete them. I have allowed my spirits to get low and my creativity to run dry. I wouldn't say there has been a particular reason for it but somehow I have found myself feeling a bit humdrum...a bit...melancholy. My motivation to yank myself out of this funk has been lacking as well. It is not as if I enjoy feeling this way but am struggling to find the energy I need to make a change. I have found myself just simply going through the motions of my day...with out thought...with out much care. Simple interruptions of my day have been unwelcome and have caused a great amount of irritation. 'Can't they see I'm just trying to get through this?' Instead of just simply asking for help I decided to instead enter my daily chores with bitterness and even resentment. I guess you could say...in truth...I have been feeling sorry for myself.  It is so frustrating finding myself back to this frame of mind time and time again.
There is a song by a musician that I love that has been popping into my mind as I begrudgingly go about my day. A piece of one of the lines from the song seemed to fit my current mood...and it goes 'We all know someone who’s always hurtin’ The sun is shining...they draw the curtain....' That was me. Somehow at some point I decided to shut out the light and go sit and pout in the dark. Of course looking at it now my behavior seems ridiculous...even childish.
 So what do you do when you have realized that you have just wasted a good amount of time on making yourself feel unhappy?  I guess since there was no true reason for it in the first place the answer should be simple. Laugh it off and move on. There is another line to the song I had mentioned before that I believe will become my mantra for the next few days...and it says 'I keep on laughing to keep from crying . I keep on dreaming to keep from dying. I keep on trying. Ain’t gonna stop. Get right down to the bottom of the barrel. And then you float back on top'  So here's to gettin down and risin up....and so I pray...
 Lord, How silly I must look to you at times. Like an unruly child I have shut out your light and sat in my own darkness. Please forgive me Lord for wasting all that precious time on myself. I pray that you will help me to shed this shadow of "depression" and shine my light. I love you so much Lord....Amen

Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss

"You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left."
— Dr. Seuss (Oh, the Places You'll Go!)