As I'm sure all you can imagine I was a bit dramatic or I guess perhaps a kinder word would be...imaginative as a child. I seemed to always be thinking...or over thinking things that no other child seemed to be worried or concerned about at the time. With this tendency I would often create stories of my own misfortune and tales of woe and would then play out the part...complete with any costume I may have needed...you know for "dramatic effect". My stage was often set outside...in the "woods". I found comfort in my stories and peace amongst the protection of the trees. Getting to tell the end of my own story gave me an incredible feeling of calm. It was the solitude of the forest that I longed for because my stories...and the psychological reason they brought comfort to me...was something I was not yet wanting to share.
A recent walk through the woods brought me back to a specific moment in time. I'm not sure my age...maybe eight or nine...I was walking deep into a cove of trees. I remember looking up into the canopy and being amazed at the beauty of the sunlight coming through the branches. I reached my arms out wide and drank in the moment...determined to remember every branch...every leaf...and to remember how I felt. I wanted to hold onto the memory so I could have it to enjoy later on in life. I couldn't tell you the exact sociological reason for it...but for some reason the ability and intense desire to create and retain memories was something that I carried with me throughout my youth. I guess as many children do...I would often think about my "someday" but perhaps unlike many other children...for me...there was a fear of not getting to have it. I guess there might be the "reason" for my behavior...my fear of dying before my life...(as I thought it should be)...was lived out. I had created a mental check list of stages in my life I was desperate to reach. Death...I realized...at a very young age was something I could not control...no matter how much I wanted to...but of course I still continued to feel an overwhelming urge to try.I have heard stories of people with O.C.D. that have the uncontrollable desire to complete certain rituals through out their day in their own attempt to "save" their family from any harm and even save them from death. Although my anxiety never reached the level of extreme in some of these cases I could see how my "stories" and created memories may have been my own kind of ritual to attempt to gain control of my own life.
Although I have now out grown many of my childhood fears and "rituals" I seemed to have only replaced them with pessimism. If I remain negative about situations maybe only the positive will occur. What's that saying...oh ya...Don't get your hopes up...yep...that's me. Yes I realize there is no real logic to this madness but it is in truth the sick mental game I sometimes find myself playing. It would appear that control worry and irrational fear have followed me into adulthood. It is like a bad habit I cannot seem to break free from."Control Freak", "Worryaholic" these are terms of an addict and that is what I am....and as many of us know...with any addiction, you never seem to completely get rid of those unexpected urges...well at least not with out a lot of prayer and practice;)
As I look at my children and begin to understand and see their own control issues and fears and what may be an imposed installation of my own fears...I start to realize how desperately I need to get a hold of what has continued to interrupt me from just living...living without the fear of something or anything happening to me or to those around me. What will be will be. I cannot control what God has planned and really...why do I feel that I want to? When put to paper I can see how incredibly ridiculous it may appear for me to be clinging onto memories as a way of hanging onto my future. My sad attempt to control my life with my worry and my fears needs to stop...now.
Today while on a walk in the woods with my children I took in the moment. Not out of an irrational fear of it "possibly" being one of my lasts but because of the joy it brought me just to be in that moment..at that time. It is my hope that through my example, my children will be able to see that when the burdens of my life...all the control, the worry, and the fear...are all given to God...what is left...is something beautiful for us all to enjoy...something...worth remembering....and so I pray
Lord..."I don’t know about tomorrow,I just live from day to day.I don’t borrow from it’s sunshine,For it’s skies may turn to gray.I don’t worry o’er the future,For I know what Jesus said,And today I’ll walk beside Him,For He knows what is ahead.Many things about tomorrow,I don’t seem to understand;But I know Who holds tomorrow,And I know Who holds my hand.Ev’ry step is getting brighter As the golden stairs I climb; Ev’ry burden’s getting lighter; Ev’ry cloud is silver lined.There the sun is always shining,There no tear will dim the eyes,At the ending of the rainbow,Where the mountains touch the sky.Many things about tomorrow,
I don’t seem to understand;But I know Who holds tomorrow,And I know Who holds my hand.I don’t know about tomorrow,It may bring me poverty;But the One Who feeds the sparrow,Is the One Who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,May be through the flame or flood,But His presence goes before me,
And I’m covered with His blood.Many things about tomorrow,I don’t seem to understand;But I know Who holds tomorrow,And I know Who holds my hand."...amen
No comments:
Post a Comment