a new venture

 With the loving encouragement of my dearest friend I have decided to take a hobby and try to transform it into a business. I have over the last several years spent time collecting, salvaging, rescuing and re-purposing many unwanted items from all sorts of places. A cupboard door from a burn pile, a free barn door from a roadside sale, old windows leftover from a renovation...all taken and infused with new life...new purpose. I love showing people the potential and the value of a piece they once thought to have no value at all. Being creative and using my hands is so important to me. Sanding, painting, and refinishing all serve as a form of therapy for me. Pouring my mind and energy into a piece is a way for me to quite all the other noise in my life.
The decision to take this next step has not been without a lot of prayer and a lot of thought. Time spent with my family is so very important to me and in no way am I looking to have something come in and be all consuming. So the idea is to start small. Take it a little at a time. I feel like in my life I have now reached full capacity and so I go into this realizing that if anything more is added in something will have to be taken out.  I do have to say I truly am looking forward to where this may take me. I am ready for anything...even failure.
 I feel so very blessed to have the love and support from many family and friends as I take this opportunity to try something new. I do not believe it would have been something I would have headed in to if it had not been for them.
I would so appreciate any additional prayer for myself and for my family from all who feels the desire to do so. This new venture I'm sure may bring a few new challenges for us to deal with. I hope that if there are...we are able to face them...head on...together...and of course are able to work through them all without too many battle wounds along the way;) I pray that God will continue to bless my family and will bless this new little business venture.

out of the woods

  As I'm sure all you can imagine I was a bit dramatic or I guess perhaps a kinder word would be...imaginative as a child. I seemed to always be thinking...or over thinking things that no other child seemed to be worried or concerned about at the time. With this tendency I would often create stories of my own misfortune and tales of woe and would then play out the part...complete with any costume I may have needed...you know for "dramatic effect". My stage was often set outside...in the "woods". I found comfort in my stories and peace amongst the protection of the trees. Getting to tell the end of my own story gave me an incredible feeling of calm. It was the solitude of the forest that I longed for because my stories...and the psychological reason they brought comfort to me...was something I was not yet wanting to share.
  A recent walk through the woods brought me back to a specific moment in time. I'm not sure my age...maybe eight or nine...I was walking deep into a cove of trees. I remember looking up into the canopy and being amazed at the beauty of the sunlight coming through the branches. I reached my arms out wide and drank in the moment...determined to remember every branch...every leaf...and to remember how I felt. I wanted to hold onto the memory so I could have it to enjoy later on in life. I couldn't tell you the exact sociological reason for it...but for some reason the ability and intense desire to create and retain memories was something that I carried with me throughout my youth. I guess as many children do...I would often think about my "someday" but perhaps unlike many other children...for me...there was a fear of not getting to have it. I guess there might be the "reason" for my behavior...my fear of dying before my life...(as I thought it should be)...was lived out. I had created a mental check list of stages in my life I was desperate to reach. Death...I realized...at a very young age was something I could not control...no matter how much I wanted to...but of course I still continued to feel an overwhelming urge to try.I have heard stories of people with O.C.D. that have the uncontrollable desire to complete certain rituals through out their day in their own attempt to "save" their family from any harm and even save them from death. Although my anxiety never reached the level of extreme in some of these cases I could see how my "stories" and created memories may have been my own kind of ritual to attempt to gain control of my own life.
  Although I have now out grown many of my childhood fears and "rituals" I seemed to have only replaced them with pessimism. If I remain negative about situations maybe only the positive will occur. What's that saying...oh ya...Don't get your hopes up...yep...that's me. Yes I realize there is no real logic to this madness but it is in truth the sick mental game I sometimes find myself playing. It would appear that control worry and irrational fear have followed me into adulthood. It is like a bad habit I cannot seem to break free from."Control Freak", "Worryaholic" these are terms of an addict and that is what I am....and as many of us know...with any addiction, you never seem to completely get rid of those unexpected urges...well at least not with out a lot of prayer and practice;)
  As I look at my children and begin to understand  and see their own control issues and fears and what may be an imposed installation of my own fears...I start to realize how desperately I need to get a hold of what has continued to interrupt me from just living...living without the fear of something or anything happening to me or to those around me. What will be will be. I cannot control what God has planned and really...why do I feel that I want to? When put to paper I can see how incredibly ridiculous it may appear for me to be clinging onto memories as a way of hanging onto my future. My sad attempt to control my life with my worry and my fears needs to stop...now.
  Today while on a walk in the woods with my children I took in the moment. Not out of an irrational fear of it "possibly" being one of my lasts but because of the joy it brought me just to be in that moment..at that time. It is my hope that through my example, my children will be able to see that when the burdens of my life...all the control, the worry, and the fear...are all given to God...what is left...is something beautiful for us all to enjoy...something...worth remembering....and so I pray
  Lord..."I don’t know about tomorrow,I just live from day to day.I don’t borrow from it’s sunshine,For it’s skies may turn to gray.I don’t worry o’er the future,For I know what Jesus said,And today I’ll walk beside Him,For He knows what is ahead.Many things about tomorrow,I don’t seem to understand;But I know Who holds tomorrow,And I know Who holds my hand.Ev’ry step is getting brighter As the golden stairs I climb; Ev’ry burden’s getting lighter; Ev’ry cloud is silver lined.There the sun is always shining,There no tear will dim the eyes,At the ending of the rainbow,Where the mountains touch the sky.Many things about tomorrow,
I don’t seem to understand;But I know Who holds tomorrow,And I know Who holds my hand.I don’t know about tomorrow,It may bring me poverty;But the One Who feeds the sparrow,Is the One Who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,May be through the flame or flood,But His presence goes before me,
And I’m covered with His blood.Many things about tomorrow,I don’t seem to understand;But I know Who holds tomorrow,And I know Who holds my hand."...amen

liberation of love

 While watching a program that was featuring one of my favorite writers I was amazed at the story she began to tell. What an amazing journey she has been on. As I listened she reached a point in her story that spoke of the love she had had in her life. She had many life experiences that could have caused her to stay down but with the love and incredible encouragement of the powerful people around her, their love lifted her up...It...as she said...liberated her.  I began to reflect on some of the powerful moments in my life where love liberated me. What amazes me is the sudden realization that many of these moments were probably not even realized by the individual as a life changing moment in my life. A compliment, a word of encouragement and simple positive reinforcement is all it has taken to continue to liberate me through out my life.
 Of course amongst the many to love me this way were that of my devoted parents. Through every fall down, strike out, failed test, and heart ache they were there...picking me up...and giving me the courage to try again. Their liberating love however didn't just stop there. Growing up in a family of four girls you could imagine the difficulty there might be to find your own voice and to become your own person. Constantly people would try to lump me in with all of my older sisters many incredible accomplishments expecting me to be the same. Out of a bit of rebellion and the fear of failure I often would run as far as I could in the opposite direction. My parents patience throughout this period in my life was more than amazing. They saw in me something that I at the time did not yet want to see....potential. It was their belief and high expectations of  the person that I could become that liberated me from my disbeliefs and low expectations of just who that person was...and was to be. Because they believed...and they told me so...over and over and over again...so then did I...It was as simple as that.
There is I believe one potential down side to the constant celebration of the "individual". For most families I believe there is a tendency to want to put each child into there own category based on the child's greatest talent or most obvious personality trait. I realize just how important it is for our children to hear what it is that makes them unique and different from their siblings but I believe that the constant reminder of which "one" they are can limit them to just remaining in the box that we may have unintentionally put them in. They need to see that their lives will not just be defined by what others may  see on the surface but what they see within themselves. It is important for them to also know that we should always continue to challenge ourselves...to grow....to think outside of the box;) We should not be just simply satisfied with being as good as our greatest gift but should stretch ourselves into something far greater then we ever could have imagined.
Liberating them with your love is way of freeing them from the shackles of their own self doubt and allowing them to see that they can dream to be whatever it is they wish to be. It gives them the permission they need to "dare to be bigger than the condition into which she or he was born."  To have the courage to try...and to try again...and again...until they find within themselves a way to "liberate" who it is they are. And when this new found self is realized to see the ways to then liberate someone else with their love...to go and have the strength to be a blessing in someones life...as they are in ours. After all what greater blessing is there then to have been that "someone" for someone else...and so I pray
Lord, I thank you for making love so simple. Lord I am afraid at times I tend to complicate much of what you have created to be simple. I forget so often how easy it is to show love through my words and my actions. I pray that you will remind me throughout my day to take the time to show my children the power of words. To show them that when used with love our words can liberate...can set a person free...can give them courage...can give them strength. Lord it is your word that I long for them to hear above all the rest. Your love is perfect Lord and it is through that love that we are truly free...amen

the ant hill

 As a young child my family spent a lot of time in Eastern Oregon. I loved getting to explore all the new things that the desert had to offer. One of my greatest fascinations were all the giant ant hills that I would find while on my hikes. I had been warned by my Grandpa...who was a great observer of nature himself...not to disturb what the ants had worked so hard to build. Temptation however got the best of me. Looking around to see that the coast was clear I kicked over a corner of the hill. I looked on as the ants scurried around frantically. Soon I became bored...as most children do...and turned to walk away. As I turned around I saw my Grandpa standing behind me. You see not only was my Grandpa a great observer of nature but was also a great observer of people...unfortunately for me at the time. I waited to hear what he had to say. To my surprise he calmly redirected my attention to the ant hill. "You see how long it takes that tiny ant to carry that tiny stone back to the hill? Imagine the time it will take them to rebuild what took you just seconds to knock down...and for what? Just a few moments of entertainment." Ashamed of what I had done I looked on wishing there was some way to repair it. I asked my Grandpa if there was anything I could do. "No...You see only the ants know how it should be built. Each stone has it's place. Hidden under what appears to us as only just a pile of rubble are many intricate tunnels that can only be designed and made by those tiny little ants." It appeared that time...in this case...would indeed have to heal all wounds.
 What always seemed to amaze me about my Grandpa is how often he would seize a moment and use it as an incredible illustration. He could have easily just scolded me and walked away but instead he stayed and took the time to teach me a lesson that has continued to stay with me all these years. He was an amazing teacher and I feel so privileged to have been able to learn so many incredible life lessons by his words and by his example.
 Most recently my thoughts came back to this lesson as I began to really listen to my own words and the way in which I choose to say them to my family. I began to see how with each harsh word or impatient criticism my carelessness was slowly knocking down what I should have been helping to build up. God has placed these intricately designed little creations in my path just as he did that ant hill... for a reason...a greater purpose...to teach a lesson that will last more than just the moment it would take to knock it all down. Unfortunately being unaware and unintentional at times with my words has proven to be a much harder habit for me to break then I had hoped. This is where time...and some much needed prayer...will again have to be the healer of all wounds and of course of all of those bad habits. But I will press on...practicing patience and adjusting my attitude...Trying to use all the "little" disciplinary moments that I can throughout my day, as a opportunity to teach a much "bigger" lesson...for my children and yes even some much needed lessons for myself. 
 I cannot of course end this without the acknowledgment of the other member of my family that is in fact very affected by my attitude. I heard recently that a criticism is really just a bad way of making a request. I started to reflect upon all the many "requests" that I had made of  my husband. Remembering all the eye rolls and muttered complaints. I mean how many times do I really have to pick the towel up off the floor...right in front of him...in the most overly dramatic way possible...before he will just realize...Yep...I could start to see how true this statement really was. To make a simple request should be just that...simple. No need for dramatic effects or added guilt...just keep it simple. It seems that lately I have been spending more time requesting things of my husband and forgetting about some of his emotional needs. I will say that discovering what those needs are can often be difficult since my husband unlike myself will often "suffer in silence". Sadly I believe...at times...that it is his unreactionary response to my occasional tantrums that fuels the flames of my fury;) I continue to kick down an already crumbling argument until I receive the satisfaction of a reaction...a response. I could continue to go on and on about the reasons in which I do this but perhaps I should save it for another day. I will say that like the ant hill often this moment of satisfaction is followed by a lot of guilt and regret. To often I forget how important it is for my husband to also hear words of encouragement and praise. His confidence and his strength often cause me to think that he does not need me to say what I believe he already knows. The fact of the matter is that no matter how well he weathers the storm on his own...or how quickly he rebuilds after I have knocked him down...he still desires my love and my admiration...and this is something that I plan to continue to build upon for years to come...stone by stone.
You see...so many lessons...out of one little ant hill....and so I pray...
Lord, I thank you for the incredible people you have put in my life. I have learned so much from each and everyone. Lord please help me to remember to seize the day...to take advantage of all the opportunities that you put in my path and to learn from them. Lord I know that you have designed each and everyone of us in a special and unique way and only you know how to truly put us back together again. I pray that you will continue to work in my life as you always have. Lord I pray that I would learn to control my tongue and my temper. I pray Lord that you might also remind me of another lesson in life a learned very early on...Oh be careful little tongue what you say...oh be careful little tongue what you say...for the Father up above is looking down with love...oh be careful little tongue what you say...amen

people pleasing parenting

 Looking back it would seem that I hail from a long line of what you could call "people pleasers". As a young child my Grandfather was a minister and as we all know whether we should or not, heavier judgment and higher expectations seem to be given to the "preaches kids"...and eventually their own families. This fact, I was painfully made aware of every time I may have wandered off the straight and narrow...something I am afraid happened more then it should have. This rebellion however only proved my desire to please...but in this case...to please a different kind of crowd...on a much "wider" journey. I cannot of course blame all my "people pleasing" tendencies on my childhood. I realize I have long since reached the age of accountability. It has been something that I have fought against within myself for as long as I can remember. I do not enjoy being a "yes" person for the fear of saying no. I seem to lack, at times, the capability to set my own personal boundaries. I constantly find myself asking the age old question "What will they think if I do this or say that?" Yes, in writing this down I can see how ridicules this thought pattern truly is but it has also made me realize something else...Really...at times...people pleasing isn't about being selfless but really about serving myself through seeking others constant approval and in honesty even the recognition of the sacrifices that I have made for them. Again going back to finding comfort in being the "victim".  In an effort to not be too hard on myself I will say that when not taken too far my love for people and being sensitive to their needs is not always a bad thing. In fact, helping others has brought me at times a tremendous amount of joy...as it should. God made me this way for a reason and I have to remind myself that God has an amazing way of taking our weaknesses and using them to strengthen our lives and the lives of the people around us. For me it is about getting to a place where my desire to please is done out of a selfless love and not out of a selfish fear.
 As a Mother I have started to see how these tendencies have caused more unwanted and unneeded stress than I could have imagined. Not only do I now find myself worrying about how people are viewing me directly but also have found myself worrying about the way people are viewing my children...and in turn how the are viewing my parenting. This has caused me to have a tremendous loss of confidence and has I'm sure caused some major confusion for my children. Watching myself put those unrealistic expectations on my children as where once put on me has pushed me to want to make a change in my life. This has proven like most life changes to be easier said then done...however I do not want my children to think that my love is based on the condition of their behavior and of their lives...Instead I want them to see that my love is indeed unconditional and that the pride I feel is because of who they are and have become on their own.
 In watching and observing other mothers I have found a tremendous admiration for those who do not make excuses for the behavior of their children. You will not find a look of mortification when their child has thrown themselves into a toddler sized tantrum in the middle of the store...No...What you will find instead is a parent simply dealing with the behavior...and not showing any concern for the many faces that seem to be watching them. Their seemingly unshaken confidence captures me and inspires me to do the same. I do know that every parent... no matter how confident they may seem...still finds themselves in moments of self doubt. I guess it goes back again to one of those good old sayings "Nobody is perfect"...not even the parents that seem to have it all together;) I do however want to continue to strive towards being less concerned on how the behavior of my children is directly reflected on me and more concerned about my children learning the lessons at hand...and of course learning to take my pride out of my parenting. To also remind myself that it's not about seeing my own reflection in the lives of my children but showing them how to reflect upon their own lives. To raise them with the understanding that although there is tremendous value in being sensitive to others opinions it is first important to hold a tremendous amount of value in yourself and in your own ideas and capabilities.
There is no such thing as one sized fits all parenting....To each there is truly their own. I cannot pretend to parent as someone else but have to instead find my own authentic way...a way that will stay true to who I am...just the kind of mother God intended for my children to have. I pray that with the help of my amazingly confident and loving husband I will be able to find what it is that works for me...and of course for my family....and so I pray...
 Lord...I thank you for creating me just the way I am. Lord I know that you have a plan for my life and a path for me to follow. I pray that you will open my eyes to what it is that I need to see and the steps I need to take to get there. I pray Lord for my children. I pray that they will come to realize how special and valuable their lives truly are. Lord I thank you for having the confidence in me to parent these beautiful children. Lord, when the time comes, I pray that you will give me the strength I will need to step back and let you continue to work in them...and through them. I cannot wait to see how they will grow Lord and I pray that I can provide them with a solid ground in which to do so....amen

just a few of my favorite things

...making time for "family time", finding ways to make my family laugh, dancing with my children...and dancing with my husband, teaching my children and seeing what they learn from it, just being home, my husbands hugs...especially after a "long" day, hearing my children call me Mama, waking up to my daughter singing in the monitor, watching my children grow closer to each other each day, hearing my children say they love me...and of course hearing it from my husband too, seeing the joy my son gets out of "caring" for and "protecting" me, nature walks with my family, playing board games with my husband...and beating him...when he "lets" me;) hearing my son tell me that I am beautiful, my very cuddly little girl, playing in the dark with my children and our trusty flashlights, seeing the comfort my son gets in knowing that God is watching over him,Young family movie night...and of course the big bowl of popcorn that comes with it, hearing my husband sing with our children, scaring away "monsters" in the middle of the night...and knowing that they trust me to protect them,  my daughters sweet...but sometimes sassy spirit, my sons never ending curiosity, our "family bed", discovering new reasons why I love my husband so much,  my children showing random acts of kindness to each other, surprising my husband...something that seems to get harder and harder to do, listening to my husband laugh, listening to my sons jokes...and laughing so hard my cheeks hurt, unexpected just because I love you gifts from my husband, hearing my daughter sing a song even if she can't say the words...yet, telling stories to my son but letting him tell the end, playing dress up with my amazingly imaginative little children, baking cookies with my little cookie monsters, watching my daughter run around with her slippers and her favorite blanket, folding little clothes, finding toys in some of the strangest places, bath time sing along, seeing how excited my children get when I come home...even if I have only been gone for an hour or two, hearing my son tell me that he wants to marry me...and his Daddy too...so he wont be lonely, date night with my husband...even if it's just at home, goodnight kisses, writing and documenting about my family and the life that we share together, learning...everyday learning something new about myself and about my family, just listening to what my children have to say...it's amazing what you can hear when you just...listen, taking time to count my many blessings and to see what God has done for my little family, and the list for me goes on and on...

simply taken

Simply given
Every breath and every moment
Simply given
Just given
Until I fell down to my knees
Just given 
Simply broken
Feeling shaken and defeated
Simply broken
And so I took a breath
I took it in and let it out
I took a breath
I took a moment
Without permission without guilt
I took a moment
I took my time
It wasn't yours it was just mine
I took my time
Simply taken
Without a need of something given
Simply taken

resolution...organization

With the start of the New Year I cannot help but turn my thoughts to the goals in which I would like set through this coming year. I know perhaps one of the most popular resolutions set each year is the hopes of more organization in our lives. I like the masses, too would like to see my life more organized. Especially in  my home, and with my daily schedule.
 So I began to think..if my life..in these particular areas...were more organized what would that mean for me and for my family?
 First I took a look at my home. Well...an organized home would mean less time spent looking for things I can never seem to find when I desperately need it. I cannot tell you the daily stress I put myself through just because I can't locate the lost. This stress is only intensified when someone else is wanting me to find something that I may or may not have put in a place that it did not belong. It's funny how at the time the new placement of an object seems so logical...I mean of course I'll remember I put that there;) Yes the saying seems to be true...it's all about...location, location, location. I do, however also find it funny that it always seems to be "me" who is "misplacing" everything...Suspicious?...A little.
 Recently I have felt God working in my heart to open up my home. I have begun to see how valuable simple hospitality really is. Honestly much of the reason I have not wanted to do so is the stress I feel when getting the home ready for guests. My anxiety is often induced by my husbands lack of communication when he has invited unexpected guests to come into our home. Often I am just given a twenty minute warning...and sometimes even just a knock on the door. Although I love that my husband enjoys filling his home with friends and family I do feel like " more communication" may need to be his New Years Resolution;) But in fact if the home was more organized perhaps the "crazy clean up" would not have to be so...crazy. Of course I do realize that with two young children...my home will not ever be completely void of all clutter but my goal is to get it to a manageable amount. I also realize that perhaps I worry to much about what someone might be thinking when they see my sink full of dishes or my basket of laundry. This is where I see the true value in my husbands "open door" policy...Come as you are is as true to him as...Come in...as we are. He is more concerned about the fellowship we may be having then the "mess" we may be surrounded by. I never want someone to enter my home and feel unwelcome because of my last second scramble to hide away the mess. As my Mother-in-Law has always told me..."It just looks lived in...and that's how it should be".
 My lack of organization could also be due to the plan and simple fact that I am a chronic procrastinator. This as you can imagine, has caused significant damage to any attempt of a daily home schedule. Time seems to only be wasted while procrastinating. I never really find myself saying okay I really don't want to fold the clothes right now so I will go ahead and tackle those dirty dishes...No instead I find myself mindlessly watching cartoons with my children or searching the internet. It is sad for me to think about all the time I have wasted trying to avoid what will eventually need to be done. I cannot escape...no matter how much I would like to at times...the dreaded to do list. So I have decided in order to keep my schedule in order I must have some sort of accountability. Although somewhat reluctant to do so I have decied to write down and post my schedule for all in the home to see. In doing so I will gain the accountability but also may gain the knowledge of the areas I could use the most help in and will be able to communicate those needs and perhaps schedule in a little help too. I would like to also show my children...through all of this...how valuable time is and that by not picking up after themselves it causes me to loose valuable time with them. I have always thought...(well since I left the care of my own Mother;)...that by leaving something for someone else to do...for you...is like saying that their time is not as vaulable as yours. Of course Mom will do it...that's what her time is for...right?...Wrong....or at least it should be. I guess that certain amounts of gratitude seem to only be obtained through life experience...like in becoming a Mother yourself.
 They say that the state of your home is a direct reflection of the state of mind you find yourself in. If your home is cluttered and chaotic then often that is how you will find your life. Being a person that often has a hard time saying no I find this statement to be so very true. I tend to jam pack my life with this and that cluttering my mind with list after list of things that I have said yes to. In doing this I leave little time to enjoy or complete any of them. This year I have begun to see how necessary it is for me to clear out the clutter...both in my home and in my life. Simplify, simplify, simplify. But what do I get rid of? In praying I have started to see more clearly what those things really are and have also been able to see all the good a wonderful things that will fill those places instead...more time with family and friends, more freedom, I mind at ease...the list goes on and on. I am truly looking forward to seeing how a little more organization effects all the areas of my life and the lives of my family...and so I pray...
  Lord, You know my weaknesses...and organization Lord is...as you know...one of my many weaknesses. Lord I pray that you will give me strength as I attempt to make this change in my life. I pray that you will keep my mind focused. I also pray Lord that I would not be discouraged by any falls that I may have. Lord I pray that you will pick me right up Lord and set me back on track. I thank you Lord for showing me my weaknesses so I could also see the changes I need to make...the challenges I need to overcome. Lord I pray for my home. I pray that you would bring to it a certain peace and calm that we so desperately need. I thank you Lord for all you have given me...For the love that fills my home...the warmth...the shelter...Lord I feel so blessed....amen